Doubts
by UglyTurnip
Summary: On the eve after her wedding, Natsuki has a disturbing nightmare about her papa. Luckily, her husband is there to drive her doubts and fears away.


_Natsuki heard the door to her room slam open, and she instantly knew that something was wrong._

 _She sniffed the air, and her heart skipped a beat. She knew that smell. He was drunk. She could smell the alcohol all the way from the other side of the room. She had come to hate that foul stench worse than anything else, and just the faintest whiff was enough to make her want to puke. Tonight, however, it was different. He reeked. Opening her eyes, she saw his figure standing in the doorway. Hate seemed to emanate from his very being, and she gulped._

 _"P-papa?"_

 _"What are you doing still up?" he snarled. "It's late. Go to fucking bed!"_

 _But Natsuki was clearly curled up in bed, and the lights to her room were off. Shouldn't it be obvious as to what she was doing?_

 _"P-papa, I-"_

 _"You're worthless!" Papa screamed. "All you've ever done is take! Take and take and take and **never** give! I wish it had been **you** instead of your mother! She loved me! You don't even care about me!"_

 _There was a time, back when Natsuki was just a little girl, that she really did love him. Those were the days when she didn't smell alcohol nearly as often, and those were the days she would actually miss Papa when he had to work late. Those days, though, were long gone. To a certain extent, he was right: she didn't love him anymore, and though she knew nothing of what Mama was like, she had a feeling she wouldn't love him anymore, either._

 _Now, the best Natsuki could hope for from her father was just the current verbal outrage. Those alone didn't faze her nearly as much as they used to, but they were always a foreboding reminder of what could quickly follow. She decided to try to defuse the current situation the best she could._

 _"Papa, you know I care about you," she lied. "You just scare me, that's all."_

 _"Bullshit!" Papa responded, smashing a fist into the wall. The new hole that was created was just one of many._

 _She shrieked at the noise. Natsuki's heart thrashed wildly in her chest as she scooted up against the wall. Tears began to stream from her eyes as her father stood directly over her. His pink eyes burned like the fires of hell; she couldn't bear to make prolonged eye contact with them._

 _"Natsuki, look at me!" He shouted, seizing her forcefully by her shirt. She was sobbing openly now, her vision too blurred by tears to actually see him._

 _"P-p-papa," she pleaded weakly. "P-please, d-d-don't!"_

 _"Shut up!" he roared right in her face. "I didn't tell you to talk!"_

 _Natsuki shrieked, then covered her face with her hands instinctively. She couldn't see a damn thing, but she knew exactly what was coming next. She curled up into a ball, bracing herself for the beating was about to come, and waited._

* * *

She waited and waited, but nothing ever came. Eventually, Natsuki cautiously raised her head. She found herself in a dark room, sitting up on a bed. She turned to her left to find someone else sleeping next to her, blissfully unaware of whatever might've happened.

It was all a dream. A terrible dream, but a dream nonetheless.

She felt something wet roll down her cheek. Though she had a pretty good idea as to what it was, she nevertheless ran her finger over it and brought it to her mouth. The salty taste confirmed her suspicions.

Why? Even after all these years, why did she have to dream about him? Even now, after four years of college, after graduating with a degree, after justy marrying the boy she loved with all of her heart, Papa haunted her.

Why was she such a burden to him? Why did Mom have to die in childbirth? Things could have been so much different. She could have had a normal childhood. Papa wouldn't have to work so late. She could have had someone to look up to for what a woman should be.

But she had taken that all away by being born. She sunk under the covers. It really was her fault. Were she never born, Mama and Papa could've been happy. They would have grown old together. They would have died loved. She took that away from Papa. All she really did was take and never give.

She turned her attention back to her sleeping husband, watching with rapt attention as his breaths rose and fell. It made her smile. For the briefest of moments, she stopped blaming herself for ruining everything.

Then, another painful question echoed through her mind.

 _Why did he choose me?_

She had fallen for him not long after he had joined their high school literature club. Through their shared interest of manga, they had turned from strangers to friends, then friends to close friends, then. . . Natsuki thought about him at night, hoping that he would somehow climb in through her window and whisk her away to a better life. She that she hadn't been the only one. Sayori briefly had a thing for him; she had confessed as much to Natsuki when she and MC first started going out. And if Yuri's occasional glances were any indication, then she didn't mind a date, either.

In the end, though, it was her that he had asked to prom. In the end, it was her that he kissed that night. In the end, it was her that he had dated all throughout college. And in the end, it was her that walked down the aisle to pledge their devotion with vows, rings, and a kiss.

But, why? She was worthless. He could have done so much better.

She turned away, guilt running through her conscience. She thought back to Papa. He hadn't come to the wedding, hadn't even sent a card. As much as she didn't want him to be there, paradoxically, it hurt her that he didn't seem to care. MC had never shouted at her, nor had he ever raised a fist against her. All the same, she wondered if she would ever be just as useless to him as she was to her own father.

Tears welled up in her eyes. Hugging her pillow, she tried to fight the despair, but she just wasn't strong enough. Before she knew it, she was crying softly and uncontrollably, her sniffles like quiet squeaks in the otherwise silent bedroom.

Unbeknownst to her, a pair of amber eyes slowly opened.

"N-natsuki?" MC yawned.

Natsuki didn't respond. She didn't even look at him.

"Natsuki," he whispered, scooting closer in the bed and wrapping his arms around her. "What's wrong?"

She lifted her head to glance at him, though she couldn't make out anything through her blurry vision. She knew he was trying to be supportive; this wasn't the first time she had broken down when they were together. Still, for some reason, the effort only made her feel guilty.

"I-it's nothing," Natsuki heaved in a hushed tone. "I-I'm sorry for w-waking you up."

"I don't think it's nothing," MC whispered, stroking her back lightly. "Did something happen?"

Natsuki sighed. He wasn't just her boyfriend anymore. He was her husband, and if those pledges meant a damn thing, they meant that she shouldn't hide things like this from him.

"I had a bad dream," she confessed at last.

"About him?"

Through the dim light of the moon, Natsuki nodded.

"It's OK," MC cooed, now hugging her as she clung to him. "He can't hurt you anymore; I won't let him."

"I know," Natsuki offered, and she did mean it. "That's not the p-problem, MC."

"Then what is?"

"I. . . I feel like I don't deserve anything."

"Huh? I don't understand."

"The first thing I ever did was kill my own mother," Natsuki reminded him. While not technically true, it was all the same to her. "Then. . . All I ever did to Papa was disappoint him. I drove everyone away. I should have driven you away, but you just kept coming back!"

"Don't say that, Natsuki," MC gently rebuked, still rubbing her back. "I always enjoyed our little manga-reading adventures in the club."

"Of course you did, you dummy," Natsuki giggled. For the briefest of moments, she was happy once more, lost in a world of smiles, inside jokes, and intimate conversations. Then, reality came crashing back, and her smile was gone once more. "All the same, you had so many better women to choose from. Why didn't you date Sayori?"

MC sighed. "Natsuki, I didn't fall in love with Sayori. I couldn't see her as anything more than a childhood friend, anyway, no matter how hard I tried. But you? You knew me better in a few weeks than she did in years. You were-"

"A big weeb?"

"Different," MC corrected. "A good different."

A blush overcame her.

"MC? Was this. . . Was this a pity thing that went way too far?"

MC raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"You know. . . _Us_? Did you only ever date me because you knew no-one else would?"

His gentle backrub stopped. Natsuki froze. MC frowned.

"Natsuki. . . It hurts me to think you still entertain that thought."

"Well, I do," Natsuki glanced down. "Please don't lie to me if it's the case, though,"

MC's lips met hers, and though Natsuki was caught off-guard, she gladly met him. That momentary burst of passion said more than words ever could. Suddenly, Natsuki didn't quite feel like such a burden no more.

"I love you, Natsuki," MC reminded her once they broke away. "Not because I pity you, but because I feel like you complete me in ways nobody else ever could."

Natsuki's heart swelled with joy. It wasn't the first time he had told her such a thing, but, well, nasty thoughts had a way of playing with her mind.

"I love you, too," Natsuki purred, taking his hand in hers. Deliberately, she ran a finger over his wedding ring, then brushed her own against his skin. "And I'm so, so _happy_ to be your wife."

"And I want to make your years with me the best you could ever ask for," MC promised.

T-thank you," Natsuki teared up, though she was smiling this time. "Sorry for bothering you over some dumb thoughts."

"Always bother me when these things get to you," he uttered, following it with a yawn. "I never want you to think you aren't loved."

With that, he hugged her once more, closed his eyes, and tried to fall asleep in her embrace. He almost succeeded, too, had she not spoken up one more time.

"MC? Can we. . . Can we start a family? I want to be the mother I never had."

His eyes fluttered open once more. He caught the hopeful glimmer in her eyes as he leaned forward and pecked her forehead. "Of course. Maybe we can start in the morning?" he suggested with a flirtatious wink.

Natsuki tensed up, blushing furiously, but she didn't stop smiling. "That sounds. . . That sounds exciting."

"Looking forward to it," MC smirked. Then, he yawned. "Good night, wifey,"

"Good night," Natsuki cooed, and the pair, embracing one another, closed their eyes in unison.

* * *

 _The sunset was truly marvelous, turning the sky from its usual blue into a fantastic array of orange shimmers and purpling twilights. Sitting on a park bench, Natuski leaned into MC's body, staring intently at the two children as they dashed to and fro, each one quickly tagging to other as it.  
_

 _"I don't know how they have so much energy," MC remarked. "Then again, I guess Sayori and I weren't all that different."_

 _"All that energy comes with mischief, MC," Natsuki reminded. Despite her own remark, she smiled. "They gotta keep us on their toes."  
_

 _"I guess_

 _"Mama! Mama!" one of the kids called out. "Mama! My shoe's untied!"_

 _Natsuki rose to her feet and made her way to the small tike. Bending low, she slowly and deliberately tied the laces into a perfect knot. Then, she glanced up, giving her child a gentle smile._

 _"Thanks, Mama!" the child exclaimed with no small amount of gratitude. Then, capitalizing on the incident, the other kid collided with their sibling, sending the kids crashing right into Natsuki. All three of them fell onto the soft grass beneath them, but instead of arguing or cursing one another, they all laughed at the incident._

* * *

Even if that experience was just another dream, a smile found its onto the real Natsuki's face. A real family, one built on love instead of shame, fear, guilt, and rage, would be hers one day.

She couldn't wait.


End file.
